The Russian Sex-ploration
By Joshua Colls, Biology, 2017
Following suit with Russia’s stereotypically obscure yet innovative ideas, came the Sex Geckos.
A mid-summer copulation experiment set off on July 19th to analyze the effects of zero gravity on sexual habits and performance of 1 male and 4 female geckos, as well as Drosophila fruit flies, all separately confined in a space-bound satellite. “If only we humans were so lucky,” some might say. The experimental setting had the makings of a positive, offspring-destined result.
However, when the Foton-M4 space satellite housing this hopeful two-month gecko escapade ascended towards space, the ground control of Russia’s federal space agency lost connection and command over the satellite. With efforts that spanned the longest day in Russia, the ground control crew was able to reconvene connection with the satellite, but not functional command.
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Tinder photo of the presently deceased[/caption]
To the dismay of optimists and those who advocate for intergalactic procreation, upon landing on September 1st (two weeks ahead of plan in the Orenburg region of Russia) the geckos were found, sadly, to be deceased. Although the cause of death remains unknown, it is believed the temperature onboard became uninhabitable; the geckos froze to death. However, some maintain it was Colonel Mustard in the billiard room with a candlestick.
The supposed equipment failure seemed to have no effect on the ‘kings of reproduction,’ the fruit flies, as they continued with several generations of breeding.
Upon observation of the geckos, once landed, the mummified bodies suggested that the dearly departed had been dead for about a week’s time. This may be evidence of a failed science attempt or, perhaps, a display of power from a disgruntled, interstellar higher power upset to view this lustful act within its jurisdiction. The world may never know.